NEWS ARCHIVE

MONDAY, AUGUST 18 1425 ANNO DOMINI

 * ALACK! Once again, TORVALD'S TEN has faced STONEHELL and was bested by the DUNGEON ETERNAL.

The FORTRESS OF EXACTITUDE
now seems further away than ever...

* Continuing their exploration of the southern canyon wall, the gallants discovered an entrance into the SHRINE OF OSTROGG previously uncovered by the COMPANY OF HEROES.

* Yet, upon their descent into the WELL OF SACRIFICE they were quickly beset by all manner of INVERTEBRATE HORRORS, and a pair of 3' long BLACK BEETLES attached themselves to AMBROSE THE AGED ACOLYTE and the bounty-killer known as DONAL OF DOUGHKEEP.

AMBROSE THE ACOLYTE
Love's Fool

* Unwilling to let go of their prey no matter the abuses heaped upon them, the so-called DEATH-GRIP BEETLES nearly lived up to their names, leaving Ambrose HOVERING AT DEATH'S DOOR and Donal AWFULLY INJURED before they were forced to quit the field.

* Only by the LIGHT OF LAW was the woodwose-turned-holy man kept from his HEAVENLY FLIGHT--along with the tearful ministrations of CORDELIA THE CHASTE--while the Bowman from Doughkeep had to be carried from the field by GIG THE USELESS and VALAN THE VALIANT.

* AND SO, a dispirited troupe arrived back at OLDE TOWYN, led by a muck-stained and foul-looking TORVALD, the lot looking leaner and poorer yet after a pair of unsuccessful expeditions.

* ALARM! As KNIGHTS of all stripes start slowly filtering into OLDE TOWYN to add their names to the JOUSTING TOURNAMENT LIST, an event set to serve as a capstone to the FALCONI FEAST on the HY HOLIDAY of October, BUENDAR THE GREENHORN has discovered that, alas, not all who call themselves such are, in fact, TRUE KNIGHTS.

CLEMENT THE CALLOUS, false knight

* Whilst CAROUSING HIMSELF COCK-EYED at the TWO-HEADED CALF, Buendar was beset upon by CLEMENT THE CALLOUS, a robber knight reputed to be a HARD MAN. Hailing from ERILLION, 'Sir' Clement came to the MAIN-LAND to stalk the FOREST GORNATE in recent years in an (as-yet) fruitless search for a LORD to which he could swear fealty.

* The half-drunk Clement appeared to have enough WIT about him that he knew much about Buendar after they 'accidentally' collided en route to the OUTHOUSE, insulting in turn our heroic greenhorn's lineage, vintage, and recent acts of derring-do within STONEHELL.

* Unwilling to be reconciled, Sir Clement DEMANDS SATISFACTION and will only be sated with a PROPER JOUST—or, failing that, a SWORD-DUEL until the LESSER MAN YIELDS 'if too beggared to keep a horse'.

DONAL, bounty-killer
with a bone to pick

* DONAL OF DOUGHKEEP, having heard the news from his sickbed, calls Buendar to his suite, warning our hero that Clement is a known ruffian, and this is undoubtedly an attempt to build a name for himself prior to the joust proper. By targeting the weakest fighting man of some local repute and giving him a thorough trouncing, Clement assuredly 'seeks to discourage others from signing up for the List and give himself an unfair advantage.'

* Regrettably, although Donal would be happy to serve in Buendar's stead—"I've long waited for his bounty to be posted by the WARDEN RANGERS,"—his recent injuries prevent him from doing so. "I cannot rightly advise you, for in these matters a MAN must speak to his COURAGE ALONE," Donal insists, "But should you choose to face him in the DUELLIST'S DOLMEN atop MADDOC POINTE, I would act as your second, should need be." 

* MERCIFULLY SIMPLE DUELLING RULES by C. KUTALIK.

* HMM. Midweek, ANGUS THE ANALYTIC approaches his employer, LARRY THE FRIENDLY LURCHER, his voice calmly detached even as his cheek are hotly stained by tears for his BELOVED BROTHER-IN-ARMS. 

*

ANGUS THE ANALYTIC
Never forgives, drinks to forget

"I have determined that our company will require immediate successes to restore morale—a matter of some concern, as I am in need of STOUT MEN to see those unholy degenerates SLAIN TO THE LAST. Guillaume would do no less in my stead. As such, I have determined the best means to ensure our next victory."

* He pauses, face bland but dark eyes burning with a FEVERISH INTENSITY, and he studies Larry's face carefully as he continues:

* "If I had said previously that we know nothing of the ALMSMEN, that would have been a lie. We were fellow men-at-arms at one time, and remained on friendly terms, having parted but recently.  Should your band enter into a BLOOD-PACT to RID THE EARTH of those CHAOS KILLERS who slew my sword-brother, I would be like to recall details of our former comrades hideout in gratitude. Such a fortuitous development would certainly help fund further expeditions and provide you with much-needed experience to face the challenges the await within STONEHELL. What say ye?"

* HUZZAH! OLAGOXIA THE ONE-HANDED, the recently-dismembered witch-aspirant of the COMPANY OF HEROES, is invited by ELVIRA, MISTRESS OF THE DARK to join the SIDEREAL SISTERHOOD in their observation of the PLANETARY PARADE as VENUS, JUPITER, SATURN, MERCURY, URANUS, and NEPTUNE march across the HEAVENS this night.

* The SKYCLAD CELEBRANTS honor the triple-goddess CHTHONIA TRIMORPHIA thusly:

Granny Gorgo

OLAGOXIA (as MAIDEN MORMO): Saturn and Mercury, the FLOWER MOON bids thee fair tidings!

ELVIRA (as the THOUSAND-FACED MOON): Jupiter and Venus, the BLOOD MOON bids thee fair passage! BERNADETH (as GRANNY GORGO): Neptune and Uranus, the WOLF MOON bids thee fare well!

Maiden Mormo

 

MAIDEN MORMO: REASON AND RESPONSIBILITY!

GRANNY GORGO: INNOVATION AND INTUITION!

THOUSAND-FACED MOON: LUCK AND LOVE!

<IN UNISON> GORGO! MORMO! THOUSAND-FACED MOON! HEAR OUR PLEA!

Thousand-Faced Moon

* Et cetera, so forth, and ever-onward until the HATEFUL SUN chased them home.

* Much is discussed among the WITCHES' COVEN under starlight, from the TRUE NATURE OF THE NIGHT to MOONDIALS and FALSE PROPHETS before moving onto more obscure topics, such as the LOST LIBRARY of MOGDA BUNN and even, it is said, rumors of a FORGOTTEN TEMPLE TO CHTHONIA TRIMORPHIA within STONEHELL itself, wherein the last MAIDENS OF MORMO—WHITE WITCHES ALL—were imprisoned decades past.

* Alas, it is not wise to spy overlong on a witch's doings, and as fair-haired Olagoxia has sadly CHOSEN A LIFE MORE MUNDANE after her recent UNHANDING, their business is no longer our own—though many a HAND-CRAFTED HOOK has been left to ROT ON THE LINE by the vagaries of CHANCE! SO MOTE IT BE!

MONDAY, AUGUST 4 1425 ANNO DOMINI

 

* HUZZAH! VERONA, the young bride of ERROL FALCONI, patriarch of that esteemed clan of MUR, is with child—and BISHOP ALFRIC ORDANE has seen DIVINE PORTENTS that it will be a LAWFUL HEIR!

* In celebration of this joyous event, the Falconis have declared their intent to hold a GRAND FEASTE in OLDE TOWYN on the 6th of OCTOBER to celebrate the HY HARVEST, featuring the famed CHEESES OF RENNETON and the PEERLESS PIES OF DOUGHKEEP, as well as a JOUSTING CONTEST open to all LAWFUL KNIGHTS.

* As Falconi gold pours into Towyn for the upcoming holiday, fears of HOBGOBLYN OUTRIDERS are allayed, so WEAPONS AND ARMOR PRICES ARE BOOK-STANDARD. 

 

  

    ERROL and VERONA FALCONI

 

 * ALACK! Though riding high on their horses just a week ago, TORVALD'S TEN has tested fate and tasted TRAGEDY!

Angels wept

* The expedition began well-augured, as the Ten expanded to TORVALD'S TWELVE with the addition of GIG THE USELESS and VALAN THE VALIANT (formerly of the COMPANY OF HEROES).

* However, a discordant note was sounded when CORDELIA THE CHASTE demanded the rogues return the MAP OF OLAGOXIA—which, it seems, they had absconded with in hopes of negotiating a RICH REWARD.

* After a failed attempt to lay the SMILING SPIRITS of THE GATES OF HELL to rest left an overzealous AMBROSE quivering in mortal terror, the conjoined men-at-arms ROLF AND DOLPH snuck into the CAVES OF COAL, having bribed the corpulent beast with a feast of cheese and sausage. However, they soon discovered that even a friendly bear like COAL has his limits when they found themselves thereafter trapped within, an angry ursine fast on their trail.

ROLF, slain by COAL

* And so Rolf met his untimely end in that black hole, torn in twain by tooth and claw for the temerity to traipse through a bear's lair. 

* Miraculously, however, the pious prayers of CORDELIA THE CHASTE so moved the LORD OF LIGHT that Dolph was spared the same fate, though be he half the man that he was but a day ago.

 * When deep in his cups, Dolph claims that Rolf's ghost cries for vengeance each night and seeks strong TRAPS with which to wreak his revenge on the blackhearted bear that took his twin.

 * Adding insult to injury, the lackadaisical labors of ROLAND OF ERILLION so enraged DONAL OF DOUGHKEEP that he gained a well-deserved CLOUTING after Rolf's body was unceremoniously dropped in the muck-filled main street of OLDE TOWYN.  

* In turn, Donal was thenceforth unmanned when STONE-FACED OLAF rose to answer Roland's mewling cries, and he delivered unto the bounty-killer so sound a clobbering that the grognard was left sprawling dumbly in the street.

Suffers but one fool

* Thusly, Torvald's Ten, while retaining the name ("it's aspirational," Torvald again notes), now consists of five heroes: Torvald the Exacting, Cordelia the Chaste, Ambrose the Aged Acolyte, Donal of Doughkeep, and Himbo Halfdan, and their four retainers Dolph the Cloven Twin, Cinderella the Linklass, Gig the Useless, and Valan the Valiant, being a grand total of nine gallants.

 

* MEH! A crier from MUR announces that the BROTHERHOOD OF PORTERS, LINKBOYS, AND DROVERS has come to terms with the SOCIETY OF SWORDSMEN AND SORCERESSES.

* Retainer fees are no longer required, being on a 'per expedition' basis, with either party able to end the contract upon return to LAWFUL CIVILIZATION, or kept on if all are in agreement.

* However, a GUARANTEE of RANSOM and WERGILD is required, held by a licensed third party (PENNYPINCHER FINANCIAL in Olde Town). Commonly, noncombatants require 5 gp held in ransom and 10 gp paid to their family in wergild, while men-at-arms ask for 10 gp for ransom and 25 gp in wergild, and henchmen will seek 25 gp ransom and 50 gp wergild PER LEVEL. These prices are not guaranteed, but are understood to be the going market rate. 

* The new terms, the product of months of tense negotiations, are considered CRUELLY NEUTRAL by all, given that no parties are fully satisfied with the arrangement (save, perhaps, the PENNYPINCHER CLAN).

MONDAY JULY 28, 1425 ANNO DOMINI

* HUZZAH! A new troupe of gallant heroes, known as TORVALD'S TEN, has successfully returned from the depths of STONEHELL to OLDE TOWYN.

* At the TWO-HEADED CALF the Ten celebrated their victory over a band of BLUE-EYED DANCING SKELETONS and the defacing of a SATANIC CENOTAPH. As such, Towyn is abuzz with rumors of this doughty band.

* Led by TORVALD THE EXACTING, former bank teller for the PENNYPINCHER CLAN, the Dwarf has sworn to form his own financial stronghold in the UNDEREARTH—with a competitive fee structure and more lenient 'two strikes' policy for kinsmen.

* Torvald successfully recruited CORDELIA THE CHASTE, recently returned from a quest into GORNATE FOREST to win over the NEUTRAL HEATHENS known as WOODWOSE to the LIGHT OF LAW. For her efforts, the young Cordelia added a single jewel to her heavenly crown:

* AMBROSE THE AGED ACOLYTE, a (largely) peaceful and retiring WILD MAN of middle years who hovers nervously near his priestess, threatening those who come near with his knotted club.

* Alongside Cordelia and Ambrose, Torvald is joined by the bounty-killer known as DONAL OF DOUGHKEEP, a bowman of local repute who has long been a thorn in the backsides of the ALMSMEN.

* Finally, HIMBO HALFDAN, the nominally-employed snerg sometimes seen laying about the Two-Headed Calf, was shamed into joining by the Lawful inducements of Cordelia--alongside, perhaps more persuasively, a threatened clubbing by the easily-agitated Ambrose.

* Having recovered treasures from a foul band of GOBLYNS holed up in the GATES OF HELL, Torvald's Ten took a clean sweep of the local mercenaries, recruiting: CINDERELLA THE LINKLASS, STONE-FACE OLAF, ROLAND OF ERILLION, and the conjoined militiamen ROLF and DOLPH. 

* Thusly, the troupe gained its name once all were accounted for: TORVALD'S TEN. May the LIGHT OF LAW shine upon their efforts!

ALACK! A band of LAWFUL PILGRIMS, led by the elderly ABBOT REGINALD THE RUGOSE, has been AWFULLY SLAIN in the FOREST GORNATE by the BLACK DRAGON known as SONG OF NIGHT'S SCREAMS!

Reginald had been set to restore the lost CHAPEL OF ST. RAS outside of STONEHELL DUNGEON, having gathered a congregation of some fifty able-bodied MEN and their families to begin restoration efforts.

A LONE SURVIVOR, the battle-haunted acolyte HARALD THE HALF-HEARTED--formerly HARALD THE HALE--has shared the holy band's awful fate at the Two-Headed Cow.

The final leg of their pilgrimage began inauspiciously, being delayed at Old Towyne for most of the day by CHAOTIC CIRCUMSTANCE.

And so it was dusk when the attack came, wherein the SERPENT OF CHAOS descended from the sky like a great black hawk to vomit forth a chartreuse miasma which reduced the good Abbot to a SMOKING SKELETON.

Compounding the situation, FOUL BETRAYERS rose up among the ranks of the pilgrims, slaying nearly all the remainder of Reginald's HOLY HENCHMEN. 

From there, the story is muddled by tearful self-recrimination, as Harald blubberingly admits to breaking ranks as SONG OF NIGHT'S SCREAMS malignant miasmas did their foul work, reducing the congregants into their constituent parts.

Harald believes there to be no other survivors, as MERCILESS ASSASSINS in the guise of KINDLY MONKS among their ranks cruelly put would-be escapees to the sword while the young acolyte--who had been relieving himself nearby--watched in abject horror, albeit from a squatting position, before making his CRAVEN ESCAPE.

The whole attack was over within minutes, and Song of Night's Screams disappeared into the sky as his CHAOS MONK KILLERS looted the remains. May the LORD have mercy on their souls!

Finally, Torvald's Ten listened to Harald's tale of woe with much interest, aghast as anyone at this terrible development. And while the kindly cleric Cordelia offered to take the wayward acolyte under her tutelage, young Harald was much afeared at the thought of returning to STONEHELL and withdrew into his private room for meditation and prayer.

MONDAY, JULY 14 1425 ANNO DOMINI

* HOBGOBLYN OUTRIDERS have been spotted by the WARDEN RANGERS of GORNATE FOREST, scouting farmsteads outlying OLDE TOWYN.

* The Rangers warn that such scouts oft presage a larger force, and advise travellers to move in numbers to discourage banditry.

* This development is only the latest in a long series of troubles to emerge from the WILDERLANDS of the Forest Gornate and the STONECROW MOUNTAINS that loom to the North and West.

* The Rangers, who recently won a decisive victory against the ALMSMEN, a gang of brigands that had been plaguing the ELFROAD to MUR, are often the only LAW in the Wilderlands that have claimed much of the outer provinces of the REALM OF MAN.

* Consequently, the OLDE TOWYN GUARD is unusually alert and active in manning the earthen walls that surround the village. Further, due to panicked buying by the local gentry, the SMITH has had to RAISE PRICES by 20% on all WEAPONS and ARMOR to keep up with demand.

JUNE 30, 1425 ANNO DOMINI

* GORM PENNYPINCHER, senior manager of PENNYPINCHER HOLDINGS, sends a letter along to the TWO-HEADED CALF, explaining that there was a serious error in the accounting of the CHILL PARASOL which, thankfully, management caught during the end-of-month audit. 

* The offending apprentice, TORVALD PENNYPINCHER, has been lashed for his crimes, exiled from the clan and stripped of his name, now to be known only as TORVALD THE EXACTING.